I’m Gonna Waste Your Time

When you get crazy people calling you trying to sell you something, I always try to keep them on the phone as long as possible so they get more annoyed than I am that they called in the first place.

Today for example some dude called wanting to collect bad debt that people owe me. Except I told him in the beginning that no one owes me anything.

Him: I’ll send my guys to the homes of people who owe you money and confront them face to face, blah, blah, blah…
Me: Cool, the debt collection posse… But no one owes me anything.
Him: I’m looking at your Better Business Bureau record for your company, and it shows you offer lines of credit. If that’s not the case, should I have them remove that?
Me: Sure.
Him: Huh? Really? You seriously want me to change your BBB record?
Me: I don’t care, because we don’t even have a BBB profile, so whatever you “change” isn’t going to affect me.
Him: Okay, so how much would you say your worst customer owe you? I mean a ballpark figure…
Me: Zero dollars.
Him: What about the guy that hasn’t paid his bill, how much does he owe you?
Me: Hold on, let me check my system… […wait about 2 minutes…] Zero dollars for him too.
Him: All businesses give terms of credit, so some of your customers haven’t paid.
Me: Really? Who? I’m curious where you heard all businesses give lines of credit though, was it my “BBB profile”?
Him: I only get paid when we collect money from your deadbeat customers. Wouldn’t you like some money?
Me: Yeah, I would like some money. I would be a little worried about where the money came from though since none of our customers owe us any money. But if you can find some money, I’ll be happy to split it with you.
Him: So how much did you say your worst customer owes you again?
Me: That would be zero dollars (plus or minus five dollars).

This basically goes around and around in a circle for about 20 minutes, finally he decides to ask me a question that I’m supposed to answer “Yes” to so he can say something smart and hang up on me. But he couldn’t even trick me into saying “Yes”. haha

Him: Let me ask you something… do you like chicken wings?
Me: No, not really.
Him: Do you like Hooters?
Me: I’m assuming not because I have no idea what you are talking about.
Him: Okay, do you like fishing?
Me: No, not really.
Him: Auuuuggghhh! <click>

I win. 🙂

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